time unreels like film. i am bound with years and years of this film. i can hardly move. i can only stay awake for a few hours at a time now. my infected form smells so rancid i can no longer go to work. tomorrow morning i have to fax my resignation in and them i will be unemployed. my doctor is scheduling the surgeries. i should start having them within a few days, so i will disappear for a while. i hope to come back. the first surgery is rather dangerous as it will take two surgeons working on me for an entire day. the thought of being under anesthesia for an entire day worries me. but it makes me laugh too. considering the last journal that i wrote on my birthday "starflower sunfish and vicodin" was about me considering suicide, the rabbithole in my briefcase being bottles of painkillers and the thought of just going to sleep was the right answer. the irony is not lost on me. i look dead, i smell dead. be careful what you wish for. i will always have darkland, one way or another. my kingdumb. the king of now here. empire of dreams. this is mine. time unreels like film. this is my half life. uranium boy. tick tick tick. static songs sung to an empty room. and yet i sing. dead bird singing in the black of night.